My version of "Garbage Time"

On Norm MacDonald's extremely watchable new sports show (cryptically titled Sports Show with Norm Macdonald), the format is second only to the comedy. Just as ESPN's Pardon the Interruption  features segments such as Five Good Minutes, Role Play (aka Heads on Sticks) and The Big Finish, the Sports Show relies on similar construction. Norm runs through segments like: Headlines, "What the H" and "Wait, What?" 
(You'd think that "What the H?" material and "Wait, What?" gags could occupy the same comedic foxhole.)

But my favorite segment is the closing bit "Garbage Time" where Norm burns thorough a hilarious "lighting round of non sequitur jokes and random thoughts". Here's a sample:

Sports Show with Norm Macdonald	Tuesdays, 10:30/9:30c
Garbage Time - Yogi Berra, Tom Brady, Barack Obama
www.comedycentral.com

So it is in the spirit of being plucked from cyberspace to write for SSwNM that I offer my "Garbage Time", titled "Backs Against the Wall."

• Oft-injured Boston Celtics center Shaquille O'Neal is expected to be on the court Saturday for only the second time since February 1st. Though his right calf is fully healed, his desire is listed as 'questionable."
• Coach Bruce Boudreau watched as his heavily favored Washington Capitals squad was swept from the NHL playoffs by a hockey team from Florida...unwittingly preparing Boudreau for his next assignment...sweeping. 
•  Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver and "Dancing With the Stars" contestant Hines Ward was briefly detained at gunpoint Thursday in a mix-up over a reported stolen car, making the first time Ward has  been truly covered in nearly three seasons.
• Derek Jeter was not in the Yankees' lineup for Thursday's series finale against the Detriot Tigers, prompting many Boston Red Sox fans to fantasize that he had died.
• With this year's NFL Draft in the books, draft "experts" are already looking ahead to next year's draft where they will again be dead wrong.
• Down to the Mavericks 0-2, the Lakers find themselves in quite a hole, according to Kobe Bryant, quite an a hole.
• The Southeastern Conference is pledging $500,000 to the University of Alabama to help storm victims. "It's the least we could do," said the conference commissioner, "after all the booze and hookers we've enjoyed on their dime."
  
• Donald Trump dumped himself from the Indianapolis 500, saying today that he will not be the celebrity pace-car driver for the May 29 race. This announcement came after it was explained to Trump that he would actually be expected to drive himself.