For your consideration...

I noticed that the "deciderers" over at the Kennedy Center have selected Carol Burnett as the recipient of this year's Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. Thrilled to death for her: totally deserving...real pioneer...long overdue. All that.

(Not entirely sure what kind of star power she lends to the tape-delayed and liberally-edited PBS broadcast of the awards show. Probably should have done this while Harvey Korman was still among us. But we can probably look forward to Vicki Lawrence trotting out "Mama", or at  least treating us to  a few bars of that Lights Out in Georgia song.

Again, Carol seems to be a great and obvious choice and I applaud the electors (?) for the decision.



However, please allow me to take this opportunity to once again raise the banner of future consideration for Harold Ramis, an extraordinary actor/director/writer with roots in radio (The National Lampoon Radio Hour) stage (Second City) and television (SCTV...hey, it's NORTH American).
But it is in film that he moves the needle. A list of movies either written or directed (often both) by Ramis:

• National Lampoon's Animal House
• National Lampoon's Vacation
• Meatballs 
• Caddyshack 
• Stripes
• Ghostbusters
• Back to School
• Groundhog Day
• Analyze This (and That)

Look at that list. Seriously. Look again. Three of those would make a very nice career...he's got ten. Plus these are just the home runs. I'd be inclined to mention Club Paradise and The Ice Harvest (or maybe even Rover Dangerfield...though I might rethink that). Add to those achievements the fact that he STARRED in two of the most iconic films on the list and you've got a heavy Mark Twain worthy hitter.

Of course, if he persists in making Ghostbusters 3, all this goes out the window and next year's prize will go to Kristin Wiig as scheduled.

5 Menu Items that McDonald's Should Bring Back BEFORE the McRib

I heard the news today, oh boy.
McDonald's is bringing back that pressed meat debacle they call the McRib (again). And the news is being met with...elation! The blogosphere is abuzz and McRibites everywhere are making plans to get all they can before the product goes back into the KrocVault on Nov 14.
But why the uproar every time Ronald and the gang pull this stunt? The sandwich is kind of a mess. Who wants to eat boneless meat that is molded to look like it still has bones? At that point it's savory marzipan. Why not extrude the psuedo-pork into the shapes of Mayor McCheese and Grimace?
One more thing: Pickles on BBQ? Where are you from? Oh yeah, Oak Brook, Illinois...the home of american barbecue.


So, if McDonald's is intent on working this "Limited Time Only" scheme...let's at least agree to revive some food worthy of a Lipitor prescription.


1) Arch Deluxe: A dozen years before Richard Blais or Bobby Flay tried to take the meager burger upscale, Mickey D's was there and the response from a ravenous public was a resounding ...who cares? This burger for grown-ups (Ronald was NOT used in the original ads) featured leaf lettuce (no iceburg? horrors), red onion, peppered bacon and a proprietary mayo/mustard hybrid sauce. For me though, the highlight was that the whole thing was served on a sesame seed (what is it with this company and sesame seeds?) POTATO roll.  I would eat two-day old Slim Jims off a potato roll. Turns out that most folks might have preferred the Slim Jim. It is rumored that McD's lost $300 million on the Arch....though it was not due to my lack of effort or enthusiasm.

2) Blueberry Shake: In the mid-seventies the US was awash in patriotic fever as we began the build-up to the big Bicentennial celebration. McDonald's (not wishing to bet their All-American bona fides on the existing milk or apple pie on their menu) decided that a new product was in order. They already had a white milkshake and a red (well, pink) one. You didn't need to be Darrin Stephens to realize what you were missing in the trifecta. Behold, the blueberry shake. I recall, it didn't taste much like blueberries, but rather like Boo Berry, the cereal sibling to Frankenberry and the Count. But when you're nine years old, if it turns your mouth blue, that's good enough.

3) Michael Dean Perry Burger: I know a lot of you don't remember "The Refrigerator's" little brother, but Cleveland Browns fans do. (We have all that extra room in our brains that would otherwise be taken up by remembering things like Browns' Super Bowl victories, Browns' Super Bowl statistics and ...well, you get the idea). Michael Dean Perry was a Browns All-Pro Defensive End and the namesake of the MDP Burger. It featured pretty much the same ingredients as the Big Mac, but it had three patties (instead of two) and came on a elongated sesame seed (there they are again) bun, like the McRib. If they brought this one back and you ordered it today, there is a fair chance that the real Michael Dean Perry just might actually be the guy who grills it up for you.

4) Big N' Tasty: Another "would-be" intent on stealing The Whopper's throne. Did a fair job of it too, if you ask me. Ketchup, mayo, chopped raw onions, lettuce & tomato (how will they stay "Cool and Crisp"...see McDLT), pickles and a peppery grill seasoning. Some stores used a little seasoning, others a lot...more was better. Good sandwich. I'll never forget that McDonald's announced they were discontinuing the Big N' Tasty in the same media cycle that they announced they would begin serving oatmeal at breakfast. And that's the story of why I don't eat oatmeal.

5) McDLT: The original DIY burger. This was the first in a long line of burgers apparently designed to compete with The Whopper. The idea was that the burger and cheese were kept in a separate Styrofoam compartment from the lettuce and tomato ensuring the latter stayed "Cool and Crisp". When you were ready to eat, you assembled the sandwich yourself. Conveniently ignored was the textural incongruity of having your top bun cold and your bottom one warm. Still it worked, was tasty and (being the 80's) made for twice as much landfill-clogging polystyrene as a traditional sandwich  Plus, how can you not love a product advertised

by a young and energetic George Costanza, who, remarkably, was neither "Cool nor Crisp".

troutlook.com "uhhh… whaaat?"

I've been doing some freelance writing for my new buddies over at troutlook.com. Fun, quirky stories-give it a look. While ALL of the stories are worthwhile, I've assembled links to mine over there on the right. Enjoy!

When you care enough to send the absolute minimum...

The other day on Facebook I posted this picture that I took in the Mother's Day greeting card at Party City in Annapolis.

There was some discussion about what could possibly be written in the card. I did take a look and it was some droning poem about there being "seasons and strife". I truly think I could do better:

• Too old to be innocent/ too young to be Granny <OPEN CARD> your intuition should've have warned you/ I was seeing the Nanny.
• A marriage is like a baseball game. There are ups and downs and sunny days and rain outs.. There are home runs and strike-outs and once in a while someone balks. But as we reach the final innings of our time together on this diamond, I want you to know...<OPEN CARD> that I've decided to call in a relief pitcher.
• It's true. We've been through alot, you and I. But even as a phoenix is said to rise from it's ashes, I think there is something more for us to accomplish. I believe that our relationship is about to morph into something new and rewarding...a path that still may be open and welcome.  In fact, there are three simple and time-honored words that trumpet the arrival of my new found joy...<OPEN CARD> Temporary Restraining Order.
• You're so fond of telling your friends, how I was the least of your suitors, <OPEN CARD> but I was smart enough to cheat with a waitress from Hooters.
• Though  our relationship has been challenging, I find myself taking a step back and contemplating what a hole there would have been in my life without you <OPEN CARD> Aaaaahhhhh!

I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse...

Yes, I have heard of YUM! Brands. I know they own Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, KFC and Long John Silver's among other restaurant franchises. I also realize that many people don't know who YUM! is and YUM! would probably like to change that. I would argue that as long as people are familiar with Pizza Hut, it's really not important that they've heard of YUM!. After all, the company that makes M&M's also manufactures Pedigree, Sheba and Whiskas pet food, and no one seems all keen to get the word out about that. ("Melts in your mouth, not on your paws".)

I further understand that trumpeting the Taco Bell  name as the presenting sponsor of a HORSE race might be problematic in light of their recent "Beefgate" kerfuffle.

But, really, is this any better?

When I think "Kentucky Derby" the one word that springs to mind is definitely YUM!.

Will that be light meat or dark?

My version of "Garbage Time"

On Norm MacDonald's extremely watchable new sports show (cryptically titled Sports Show with Norm Macdonald), the format is second only to the comedy. Just as ESPN's Pardon the Interruption  features segments such as Five Good Minutes, Role Play (aka Heads on Sticks) and The Big Finish, the Sports Show relies on similar construction. Norm runs through segments like: Headlines, "What the H" and "Wait, What?" 
(You'd think that "What the H?" material and "Wait, What?" gags could occupy the same comedic foxhole.)

But my favorite segment is the closing bit "Garbage Time" where Norm burns thorough a hilarious "lighting round of non sequitur jokes and random thoughts". Here's a sample:

Sports Show with Norm Macdonald	Tuesdays, 10:30/9:30c
Garbage Time - Yogi Berra, Tom Brady, Barack Obama
www.comedycentral.com

So it is in the spirit of being plucked from cyberspace to write for SSwNM that I offer my "Garbage Time", titled "Backs Against the Wall."

• Oft-injured Boston Celtics center Shaquille O'Neal is expected to be on the court Saturday for only the second time since February 1st. Though his right calf is fully healed, his desire is listed as 'questionable."
• Coach Bruce Boudreau watched as his heavily favored Washington Capitals squad was swept from the NHL playoffs by a hockey team from Florida...unwittingly preparing Boudreau for his next assignment...sweeping. 
•  Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver and "Dancing With the Stars" contestant Hines Ward was briefly detained at gunpoint Thursday in a mix-up over a reported stolen car, making the first time Ward has  been truly covered in nearly three seasons.
• Derek Jeter was not in the Yankees' lineup for Thursday's series finale against the Detriot Tigers, prompting many Boston Red Sox fans to fantasize that he had died.
• With this year's NFL Draft in the books, draft "experts" are already looking ahead to next year's draft where they will again be dead wrong.
• Down to the Mavericks 0-2, the Lakers find themselves in quite a hole, according to Kobe Bryant, quite an a hole.
• The Southeastern Conference is pledging $500,000 to the University of Alabama to help storm victims. "It's the least we could do," said the conference commissioner, "after all the booze and hookers we've enjoyed on their dime."
  
• Donald Trump dumped himself from the Indianapolis 500, saying today that he will not be the celebrity pace-car driver for the May 29 race. This announcement came after it was explained to Trump that he would actually be expected to drive himself.  

Careful where you shop...

Only ONE person leaves a comedy "contest" happy...

I have a fundamental disconnect when it comes to the topic of "judging" the arts. I think it's fine (and ideally, desirable) to judge them against your own standard of worthiness...whether you choose to share your most precious resource, your attention, on them. In fact, you must. That was how I found that I really, really like opera.

But the idea of judging two or three or a dozen pieces of like art against one another in attempt to distinguish one as being "The Best"...that is a different story. I don't think that is the filter by which art was created and shouldn't be the filter through which it is viewed.

Though comedy contests have immense value, a valid meter of performance success they are not.

OK...if a comedian goes onstage at a contest and they eat it...they are not gonna' win. They shouldn't. Fine.

But if several acts are well received, generating laughter and a positive vibe...who is the winner? Weren't all of those acts conceived, written, rewritten, honed and performed to achieve that precise result. Did they? Yes!
Then they were successful comedy performances.

But, which one was the best?
Who cares?

So then, why do comedians enter contests? Three reasons.

1) Because we are comedians, if you assemble an audience, we want to be there.

2) In a regular comedy club week, as a comedian you only get to see the other 2 comedians booked on your show. At at a contest, you can reconnect with a bunch of folks you haven't seen in a long time and catch up on juicy comedian gossip.  You think that Aunt Bea and Clara were big gossip hounds? They've got nothing on stand-up comedians.

3) Finally, someone has to win...why not me? And sometimes the prizes are sweet.

I've been on both sides of this thing. I've won a couple of contests. I've lost a bunch of them. The only person who feels like it wasn't rigged was the person who wins. That's OK. Just go and have a good time...soak it all in. Comedy contests are like the Super Bowl. You don't go for the game, you go for the experience.

By the way...I've got a contest tonight...

Comedy in Bowie...TONIGHT

I played the Disney-Bell Post of the American Legion  in 1998. They liked me so much that just 12 years later they asked me back.

This is mostly sold out, but there might be a few seats left.
8pm
The American Legion, Disney-Bell Post 669605 Old Laurel-Bowie Road
Bowie, Maryland 20720

OK Rich Rod, You're Off The Hook With Me.

grudge

[gruhj]noun, adjective, verb, grudged, grudg·ing.

–noun

1. a feeling of ill will or resentment: to hold a grudge against aformer opponent.

That's it. Enough is enough...I don't have the energy to keep hauling this guy around in my noggin.

It has been 1062 days since coach Rich Rodriguez, the Guru of Glenville, scurried from the West Virginia University football program, the university community and the Mountain State itself for the maize and bluer pastures of Ann Arbor, MI.


Acrimony followed and litigation commenced. We heard wailing of voices and heard gnashing of teeth. And ever since that day I have had two favorite teams in NCAA football...the Mountaineers and whoever the Wolverines had on the schedule that week.


Rodriguez has had a tough go of it and at times it seems Coach Stewart's men are only marginally better off. The NCAA investigator types have sniffed around us both.


I cheered all nine of his 2008 losses and rejoiced seven more times last year. I smirked through the three losses in a row this season, stopping with UM's 3OT victory last week. 


Somewhere it all got very hollow. Inadequate. More than a little pathetic. And I don't want to do it anymore.


So, I release you Rich Rod. You are evicted. The square foot of real estate 'neath my 'coonskin cap doesn't have room for you as a tenant anymore. So long and farewell. 


If WVU plays Michigan, I'll root for the 'Eers, but not against you, Rich. You see, when I give you that focus, I am diminished. Oddly enough, when I cheer you, I grow stronger... having triumphed over petty animus. 


So, go get 'em coach. Beat OSU, Beat Iowa. Hell, beat Toledo. Win the Big Ten and make me a winner.


I regret that it took me 1062 days to figure that out.

Kelly Terranova's Stand-up Comedian Profile on Rooftop Comedy

Kelly Terranova's Stand-up Comedian Profile on Rooftop Comedy

$1 Comedy Show in Baltimore

CLICK THIS LINK TO BUY YOUR $1 TICKETS↓
2010-2011 Laughing Skull Comedy Festival - The Best in Standup

I was invited to the participate in the Laughing Skull Comedy Festival. The Regional qualifier is at Magooby's in Baltimore on Tuesday, November 16 at 8pm. Cover charge is only $1 when you buy tickets using promo code TerranovaVIP...

Kelly in Fredricksburg, VA on Friday, Nov 12

Visit Liberty Laughs Facebook Page for More Information

Kelly at the Harrisburg Comedy Zone

See Kelly at the Harrisburg Comedy Zone November 26 and 27th

A vegan, a chef and a comedian walk into a bar… - Washington DC vegan | Examiner.com

A vegan, a chef and a comedian walk into a bar… - Washington DC vegan | Examiner.com

10 Tips for a Bad Corporate Comedy Show

10 Tips for a Bad Corporate Comedy Show

1. No need for a stage. The audience can kinda' see Kelly, right?
2. Don't worry about the sound or lights. The venue probably takes care of that...I think.
3. Wait until "the last minute" to contact Kelly. He's probably available, isn't he?
4. Always introduce Kelly right as dinner is being served. People love to laugh with their mouths full of food.
5. Keep the show room as warm as possible. Drowsy audiences are great for comedy.
6. Be sure to have the banquet staff bus the tables while Kelly is performing. It'll be easy to hear over the clatter of dishes.
7. Keep the audience as far from the stage as possible. The "comedy moat" makes for great audience interaction.
8. Make the awards presentation as long and drawn out as possible. The audience will be in the mood for comedy when they wake up.
9. Don't ask Kelly to help with the awards part of the program. He would just make it entertaining and well-paced.
10. Ignore Kelly's Customized Comedy Questionnaire. Who wants stand-up comedy tailored just for them?

Of course, you avoid all of these pitfalls when you hire me,

Professional Corporate Comedian Kelly Terranova.

www.WorryFreeComedy.com

New Day, New Blog

The last time I blogged was in 2007. That was when the internet was a nothing more than a couple of guys with a TRS-80. My how the times have changed.

Not sure what will wind up here.

Mostly it's a place to write. No sense in blowing 25 cents for spiral notebooks at Target.