When you care enough to send the absolute minimum...

The other day on Facebook I posted this picture that I took in the Mother's Day greeting card at Party City in Annapolis.

There was some discussion about what could possibly be written in the card. I did take a look and it was some droning poem about there being "seasons and strife". I truly think I could do better:

• Too old to be innocent/ too young to be Granny <OPEN CARD> your intuition should've have warned you/ I was seeing the Nanny.
• A marriage is like a baseball game. There are ups and downs and sunny days and rain outs.. There are home runs and strike-outs and once in a while someone balks. But as we reach the final innings of our time together on this diamond, I want you to know...<OPEN CARD> that I've decided to call in a relief pitcher.
• It's true. We've been through alot, you and I. But even as a phoenix is said to rise from it's ashes, I think there is something more for us to accomplish. I believe that our relationship is about to morph into something new and rewarding...a path that still may be open and welcome.  In fact, there are three simple and time-honored words that trumpet the arrival of my new found joy...<OPEN CARD> Temporary Restraining Order.
• You're so fond of telling your friends, how I was the least of your suitors, <OPEN CARD> but I was smart enough to cheat with a waitress from Hooters.
• Though  our relationship has been challenging, I find myself taking a step back and contemplating what a hole there would have been in my life without you <OPEN CARD> Aaaaahhhhh!

I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse...

Yes, I have heard of YUM! Brands. I know they own Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, KFC and Long John Silver's among other restaurant franchises. I also realize that many people don't know who YUM! is and YUM! would probably like to change that. I would argue that as long as people are familiar with Pizza Hut, it's really not important that they've heard of YUM!. After all, the company that makes M&M's also manufactures Pedigree, Sheba and Whiskas pet food, and no one seems all keen to get the word out about that. ("Melts in your mouth, not on your paws".)

I further understand that trumpeting the Taco Bell  name as the presenting sponsor of a HORSE race might be problematic in light of their recent "Beefgate" kerfuffle.

But, really, is this any better?

When I think "Kentucky Derby" the one word that springs to mind is definitely YUM!.

Will that be light meat or dark?

My version of "Garbage Time"

On Norm MacDonald's extremely watchable new sports show (cryptically titled Sports Show with Norm Macdonald), the format is second only to the comedy. Just as ESPN's Pardon the Interruption  features segments such as Five Good Minutes, Role Play (aka Heads on Sticks) and The Big Finish, the Sports Show relies on similar construction. Norm runs through segments like: Headlines, "What the H" and "Wait, What?" 
(You'd think that "What the H?" material and "Wait, What?" gags could occupy the same comedic foxhole.)

But my favorite segment is the closing bit "Garbage Time" where Norm burns thorough a hilarious "lighting round of non sequitur jokes and random thoughts". Here's a sample:

Sports Show with Norm Macdonald	Tuesdays, 10:30/9:30c
Garbage Time - Yogi Berra, Tom Brady, Barack Obama
www.comedycentral.com

So it is in the spirit of being plucked from cyberspace to write for SSwNM that I offer my "Garbage Time", titled "Backs Against the Wall."

• Oft-injured Boston Celtics center Shaquille O'Neal is expected to be on the court Saturday for only the second time since February 1st. Though his right calf is fully healed, his desire is listed as 'questionable."
• Coach Bruce Boudreau watched as his heavily favored Washington Capitals squad was swept from the NHL playoffs by a hockey team from Florida...unwittingly preparing Boudreau for his next assignment...sweeping. 
•  Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver and "Dancing With the Stars" contestant Hines Ward was briefly detained at gunpoint Thursday in a mix-up over a reported stolen car, making the first time Ward has  been truly covered in nearly three seasons.
• Derek Jeter was not in the Yankees' lineup for Thursday's series finale against the Detriot Tigers, prompting many Boston Red Sox fans to fantasize that he had died.
• With this year's NFL Draft in the books, draft "experts" are already looking ahead to next year's draft where they will again be dead wrong.
• Down to the Mavericks 0-2, the Lakers find themselves in quite a hole, according to Kobe Bryant, quite an a hole.
• The Southeastern Conference is pledging $500,000 to the University of Alabama to help storm victims. "It's the least we could do," said the conference commissioner, "after all the booze and hookers we've enjoyed on their dime."
  
• Donald Trump dumped himself from the Indianapolis 500, saying today that he will not be the celebrity pace-car driver for the May 29 race. This announcement came after it was explained to Trump that he would actually be expected to drive himself.